Depravation-Deprivation
by Yossarian1
Summary: Random weirdness with the Eva cast.
1. The Ultimate Joyride/Penguin Fighting in...

****

Author's Note: Imagine this: You and your friend (read: Eva dealer) have been watching NGE the series over the course of the past few weeks, yet due to scheduling conflicts and other intrusions by RealLife ©, you've only seen up to episode twenty. This is your first time watching the series and yet you've already developed an unhealthy infatuation with Rei Ayanami, have pre-ordered the Evangelion Perfect Sessions DVD boxed set, and consider the series the greatest thing you've experienced since Cowboy Bebop and/or Sobe-brand Dragon Tea…You are an Eva addict. 

But chances are, you know what I'm talking about.

As a writer, you take this in stride. You could easily have a nervous breakdown and sneak into your friend's dorm room late at night to inquire if you could finish watching the series (and by "inquire" I mean, "threaten him with a sharp spork"). But instead, you release the flow of creativity by jotting down the constant brain farts that pop into your mind. Following is what happens when unfocused ideas find a release. Read, review, slander, ignore, and/or enjoy. 

Deprivation, or "God help me, it's been three weeks without Eva."

****

Disclaimer: I don't own the property Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of its associated characters or licenses. 

Camera's POV; a still shot overlooking:

INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER. CENTRAL DOGMA.

Major Katsuragi, Ritsuko, and the rest of the crew watch the viewscreen. It shows a picturesque landscape of forest and mountains.

****

Misato:

And I'm looking at…?

****

Ritsuko:

Keep watching.

Misato turns back to the screen, now vibrating, as Eva Unit 01 runs by, kicking up dirt and leveling trees in its path.

****

Yossarian (v.o):

WOOO-HOOOOOO!!!

It disappears offscreen followed by a phalanx of those nifty-cool futuristic helicopters. Misato stares, wide-eyed.

****

Misato:

Oh dear God.

****

Ritsuko:

Yup.

****

Misato:

How the hell did he, of all people, get access to an Evangelion?!

****

Ritsuko:

Ask the prodigal son.

Shinji comes running into frame. He screeches to a halt under Misato's glare.

****

Shinji:

It's not my fault!

****

Misato:

Explain.

****

Shinji:

(Sweatdrops)

Well….I… kinda sorta said that it'd be okay if he came to the facility and saw the Evas up close. "No big deal", I thought. "It's not like he'll try and steal one."

Misato regards him with a stare normally reserved for the mentally deficient and pro-wrestling fans. Shinji shrugs helplessly.

The viewscreen shows a live feed from one of the copters circling Unit 01.

****

Misato:

(Into microphone)

Okay, playtime's over. Get out of the Eva or it's your ass. 

****

Yossarian (v.o):

Goddamn! I can't believe you guys don't just live in these things! They're sweet! And by sweet, I mean totally cool!

Ritsuko takes the microphone from Misato, whose left eye has suddenly developed an unhealthy twitch. 

****

Ritsuko:

Yossarian? Author or not, we're going to waste you in a blaze of glory if you don't stop acting like a child and get out of the giant bio-weapon, m'kay?

****

Yossarian (v.o):

Give me a minute…..no.

****

Shinji:

(Muttering to himself)

Three fully functional Evas and you pick mine. Could've taken Unit Zero or even Unit Two, but OH NO we've got pick on Shinji, it's not like his life doesn't suck en-

****

Yossarian (v.o):

Oh come on Ikari, it's not like you were using it.

****

Shiji:

The only time I "use" it is for fighting otherworldly monsters hell-bent on the destruction of mankind! Big-ass fighting robots are made with a purpose in mind! You don't just take it out for a cruise like some P.O.S hatchback whenever you feel like it!

****

Yossarian (v.o):

Hey, I drive a P.O.S hatchback.

****

Shinji:

Do I care? Give me back my Eva, you bastard!

****

Yossarian (v.o):

Now who's being childish?

Shinji mutters darkly to himself. Ritsuko massages her temples. Misato pulls a flask from her pocket and takes a swig. She offers it to Ritsuko.

Onscreen, Unit 01 plods along the shoreline of a lake.

****

Yossarian (v.o):

Wanna see me vault the bridge?

****

Everyone:

(Evenly)

No.

****

Yossarian (v.o):

Right. Now, I'm going to try and envision myself in a world where questions pertaining to bridge vaulting are answered in the affirmative. I'll let you know how it turns out, kay?

Ritsuko takes the flask from Misato and proceeds to down the rest of it. 

Offscreen is heard the sound of what is more than likely something resembling a bridge meeting a rather unfortunate end. 

****

Yossarian (v.o):

Aw CRAP!

Misato seeks comfort in the act of banging her head against the console in front of her.

The camera cuts to snow.

----

INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER. CENTRAL DOGMA.

The main screen shows a huge smoking crater, the periphery of it littered with rubble and bits of what used to be an Angel. Misato talks into the microphone as the three Eva units climb up from the wreckage. They all look worse for wear; Unit Zero in particular is missing an arm.

****

Misato:

Status report…Unit One…?

****

Shinji:

(Coughs)

Just peachy.

****

Misato:

…Unit Zero…?

****

Rei:

Ditto.

****

Misato:

…Unit Two?

****

Asuka:

Considering I was at ground zero when an otherworldly monster decided to detonate itself with the force of a small nuke...never been better.

****

Misato:

I'm glad that you're all okay. That was some good work today, guys.

The three Evas stand at the edge of the crater. Unit Zero brushes aside some trees and picks up its severed right arm. Unit Two dusts itself off while Unit One looks back at the destruction.

****

Shinji:

(Low whistle)

Geez, that one blew big.

****

Asuka:

(Smugly)

Did NOT know who it was fucking with.

****

Shinji:

Now remember your promise Misato…

****

Misato:

(Smiles)

Don't worry Shinji, I haven't forgotten.

****

Asuka:

Steak dinner! Yahoo!

****

Misato:

Actually, I'd planned something a little more extravagant. BUT if you're happy with dinner out, that's fine-

****

Shinji:

Something more extravagant than a steak dinner in post-2nd impact Tokyo 3? That's hard to believe.

****

Misato:

Believe it! I'm taking you guys on an all expenses paid trip to the happiest place on Earth –TIJUANA!

The three stand silent for a moment. Then-

****

Rei:

Hoo-ah.

****

Asuka & Shinji:

HOO-AH!

Music: "South of the Border" – Gene Merlino

Cut to still:

EXT. PLANE TERMINAL. DAY.

The four of them exit a plane terminal in Mexico. Misato tries to hail a cab in the foreground. Behind her, Asuka fights off several Hari-Krishnas asking for donations. Shinji lags in the rear, carrying everyone's baggage and looking haggard. Rei walks beside him, carrying a single tote bag.

EXT. AVENIDA DE LA REVOLUCION. DAY.

Asuka haggles with a merchant while Misato looks over shirts, handing more and more possible buys to Shinji, whose arms are already weighted down by several shopping bags.

__

South of the border, down Mexico way.   
That's where I fell in love when stars above came out to play.

Cut to still:

INT. HOTEL ROOM. NIGHT.

Asuka and Rei sit at a table with a liquor bottle between them. Rei is downing a shot while Asuka reaches for another one. A couple of overturned empty glasses sit in front of both of them.

Cut to still:

INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER.

Still at the table. Rei, seemingly unaffected, is pouring another shot while Asuka, blurry-eyed, fumbles for another one. The pyramid of glasses between them has grown.

Cut to still:

INT. HOTEL ROOM – LATER.

Asuka lies facedown on the shot-glass-cluttered table while Misato checks her pulse. Rei looks non-plused as she shakes the bottle upside down, checking for any remaining drops.

__

And now as I wander, my thoughts never stray,   
south of the border down Mexico way.

Cut to still:

EXT. BACK ALLEY. NIGHT.

Misato and Asuka stand amidst a crowd watching a cockfight. They cheer on Pen-Pen as he pecks the crap out of his opponent.

Cut to still:

INT. EL CENTRO DE LOS CULTURES. DAY.

Rei is admiring a reproduction of Picasso's "Guernica". Shinji and Asuka sit on a nearby bench, looking painfully bored. 

__

She was a picture, in old Spanish lace.   
And just for a tender while I kissed the smile upon her face.

Cut to still:

EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

A parade is underway with fireworks flaring in the background. Misato lies in the foreground, passed out on the curb with a bottle of tequila in her hand and a sombrero on her head. Pen-Pen squats next to her as Rei amuses herself with a sparkler. Behind them, Shinji runs by (the back of his shirt in flames) as Asuka chases him with a lit Roman candle. 

__

For it was Fiesta, and we were so gay,   
south of the border, down Mexico way. 

Cut to still:

EXT. TATTOO PARLOR. NIGHT.

Rei stands, back to the camera, with her shirt pulled up. Across her lower back is a Celtic band resembling an interlocking chain done in black ink. 

Cut to still:

EXT. TATTOO PARLOR. SAME.

Asuka pulls her shirtfront down enough to show the top of her right breast, upon which the Kanji script for "Furyoushoujyou" (Bad Girl) is drawn.

Cut to still:

EXT. TATTOO PARLOR. SAME.

Shinji clutches his groin and blocks the camera with his free hand. It's obvious he doesn't feel like having his picture taken right now.

EXT. CITY LIMITS. DUSK.

A cab drives off down the road. Rei, Shinji, and Asuka wave goodbye through the back window.

EXT. CITY LIMITS. SAME.

Misato comes running into frame, chasing the receding cab into the sunset.

__

Those mission bells told me that I must not stray.   
South of the border, down Mexico way…

---


	2. Culture Shock/Screw Sachiel, we've got J...

****

Author's Note: Second chapter's up, for better or worse. OCC and AU warning. Read on and you'll know what I mean.

****

Disclaimer: Evangelion isn't mine, nor is anything related to the late Mr. Warhol. 

INT. CAR – MOVING. DAY.

Toji is at the wheel as the car drives down the street of a low-rent suburban neighborhood. He talks to Shinji in the passenger seat.

****

Toji:

So tell me again about the age limit in America.

****

Shinji:

Alright, what do you want to know?

****

Toji:

Legal drinking age there is twenty-one, right?

****

Shinji:

Yeah, it's twenty-one, but that doesn't mean you still can't get your hands on stuff in the States.

****

Toji:

You mean, through a supplier?

****

Shinji:

Well yeah, but I'm not just talking about beer. There's other stuff over there that you can buy without the twenty-one and over requisite.

****

Toji:

Like smokes?

****

Shinji:

Look, it breaks down like this: At sixteen, you can get your driver's license. At eighteen you're old enough to buy cigs, have a credit card, see "R" rated movies and join the military to die for your country. But you need to be twenty-one just to get alcohol.

****

Toji:

Man, that's gotta suck.

****

Shinji:

Tell me about it. YOU spend four weeks there and see what it's like worrying about where your next six-pack of Yebisu is gonna come from.

They drive on in silence for a moment.

****

Shinji:

But you know what the funniest thing about America is?

****

Toji:

What?

****

Shinji:

It's the little differences. I mean, they got the same shit over there that they got here, but it's just that there it's a little different.

****

Toji:

Example.

****

Shinji:

Alright, say you walk into a restaurant and want to order tea. Guess what? Chances are, they don't serve tea. Instead, they've got coffee. And I don't mean just decaf or regular, I mean all these weird-ass flavors like "Hazelnut", "Irish Mint", and other shit like that. Ask your sever for tea and they think you mean that iced shit that they bring out in a glass and everything. 

****

Toji:

(Chuckles)

That's weird, alright.

****

Shinji:

And you know what they call Ramen over there in some places?

****

Toji:

They don't call it Ramen?

****

Shinji:

Shit no, you'd think all the stores were run by Italians or something.

****

Toji:

How's that?

****

Shinji:

Ask a stockboy for "Ramen" and he won't point you to the noodles section, but to the "pasta" section.

****

Toji:

"Pasta?"

****

Shinji:

That's right.

****

Toji:

But it's not pasta. That's why it's called Ramen. It says it on the fucking box.

****

Shinji:

Tell that to the freckled stockboy with the cheese-eating grin.

****

Toji:

(Laughs)

So what do they call Yakisoba?

****

Shinji:

Well, Yakisoba is still Yakisoba, but they just group it along with Ramen. Sometimes you can find it in the pasta section, too.

****

Toji:

"Pasta". That kills me. What do they call…say…Miso?

****

Shinji:

I don't know. I didn't look in the soup aisle.

(A pause)

You know what they eat chicken with instead of Sweet and Sour?

****

Toji:

What?

****

Shinji:

Ketchup.

****

Toji:

Goddamn…

****

Shinji:

I seen 'em man, they fucking drown 'em in that shit.

---

INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER. EVA LAUNCH BAY.

Ritsuko and Andy Warhol… 

"Andy Warhol?!" 

Yes, THAT Andy Warhol. May I continue? *ahem*

…stand on the catwalk facing Unit 01. Next to them is an improvised mobile communicator, consisting of a videophone secured with twine and tape to a pushcart. Commander Ikari's face appears on the videophone's screen as he talks.

****

Gendo (v.o):

You really think it's necessary, Mr. Warhol?

****

Warhol:

(In that reserved, almost neurotic way that only he could do)

Well…Gendo, dear, I don't mean to uh, scold you here or anything, it's just…I mean GOD…the colors on these…uh-

(To Ritsuko)

-what're they called again?

****

Ritsuko:

Evas, Mr. Warhol.

****

Warhol:

Right…Right, the Evas….Yeah. Well, the colors are right out. I mean, honestly…Purple and green? Couldn't you, like, at least do something about the…uh…the paint jobs? Something more…I don't know, um…original?

****

Gendo (v.o):

(Coughs)

Well…we didn't really take aesthetics into account when designing these things.

****

Warhol:

Well I-I can see that. Another thing is the…uh, the…well, really it's just the whole appearance. Couldn't you have…oh, I don't know, some uh, blues in there? Work in a few more shades of black? 

(To himself)

Oh, wait…wait…oh yeah…

Andy moves back and folds his arms, thinking. Ritsuko whispers to Gendo:

****

Ritsuko:

(Whispering)

You're serious about taking his designs into consideration?

****

Gendo (v.o):

(Whispering)

NERV's fiscal budget for the year is still below the safety margin by a few thousand. Tacking on the cost of "Independent Consultation" for the aesthetics of the Evas shouldn't raise it too sharply. Besides, last I checked, Andy here is officially sanctioned by the UN.

****

Ritsuko:

No shit?

****

Gendo (v.o):

Oh yeah, he's got legalese and everything. It covers our asses if anything happens to him.

****

Ritsuko:

(Raises an eyebrow)

Why would anything happen to him?

****

Gendo (v.o):

(Shrugging)

How should I know? People just have a tendency of dying here if they hang around too long.

****

Ritsuko:

Good point.

****

Warhol:

(Calling over his shoulder)

Ah, could I, um…speak with the pilot of this one?

****

Gendo (v.o):

(Turns away from monitor)

Fuyutsuki, send for the boy.

****

They stand, waiting for the pilot. After several moments of awkward silence, Ritsuko attempts small talk.

****

Ritsuko:

So…what do you do?

****

Warhol:

Oh, me? Uh, well, a little of this…a little more of that…some of those…y'know…

****

Ritsuko:

Ah.

More silence.

Shinji, Asuka, and Rei are brought in, accompanied by Fuyutsuki. The three children look as though they were just dragged out of bed. Understandable, considering it's about three in the morning. Asuka and Shinji look bleary eyed and barely awake. Rei, as always, doesn't seem to mind. 

****

Fuyutsuki:

All three pilots are present if you need to speak with them, Mr. Warhol.

****

Ritsuko:

(To Andy)

Um…quick question: Didn't you like, die thirty years ago?

****

Warhol:

Might've…

(Turning his attention to the group before him)

Wonderful…alright, um…Shinji, is it? Yeah, over here, please. Just…uh, just gonna pick your brain is all. Oh. Hi, Rei.

****

Rei:

Hello Andy.

****

Everyone looks momentarily perplexed as they try to process the logistics of how Rei would have ever previously known Andy Warhol. Accepting that the situation is weird enough as is, they let it go-

****

Asuka:

NO, THEY DON'T! How the hell DOES this work out?!

-I said, they let it go-

****

Asuka:

But she's only fifteen! This guy died in, like '87! He never even VISITED Japan as far as I know-!

-they LET. IT. GO-

****

Asuka:

But-

-in another defiance of all probable logic and constraints of space-time, Asuka Langley is set upon by a pack of irate, steak knife-wielding wild badgers and-

****

Asuka:

Jesus! Okay! Okay! Forget I asked!

-ANYWAYS….Andy pulls Shinji (who's now more awake after that little debacle) over to the guard rail.

****

Warhol:

Now…now I just HAVE to know, Shinji…what, like, what do you FEEL when you see this…thingy?

****

Ritsuko (O.S):

Eva.

****

Warhol:

Whatever.

****

Shinji:

I don't know. I'm kinda tired, though…

****

Warhol:

Ah…so, like…you mean to say that it bores you?

****

Shinji:

…guess I could go for something to eat, too…

****

Warhol:

So you mean…you ah, need…MORE than what you get from this…thingy? 

****

Ritsuko (O.S):

Eva.

****

Warhol:

(Ignoring her)

-Like, it's not enough. Right?

****

Shinji:

Actually, I'm just kind of hungry, but-

Andy pushes Shinji away, not listening.

****

Warhol:

Okay…Okay….yeah….okay, I've got it now. Gendo, dear, we're gonna need to…how do I put this…do some, like, "touching up" here. Because frankly, it's this god-awful purple one that nags the hell out of me. I'm thinking…let's say scrap the head…

Suddenly very interested in the conversation at hand, Shinji pops back into frame.

****

Shinji:

(Worried)

"Scrap"? Did he say "scrap"?

****

Gendo (v.o):

Ritsuko, take notes.

****

Ritsuko complies, she begins scribbling on a clipboard as Andy talks.

****

Warhol:

…Scrap the arms…

****

Shinji:

"Scrap" as in, "tear off my Eva's head and arms"?!

****

Warhol:

…and the legs…

****

Shinji:

SO WHAT DOES THAT LEAVE!?

****

Warhol:

(Considers)

Oh. Ooooo…yeah….good point. Tell you what; let's just dismantle the whole thing.

****

Shinji:

WHAT?!

Asuka cackles with laughter as Shinji protests. Andy approaches her and leads the Second Child to her Eva's respective launch bay. The others follow. Ritsuko still takes notes while Fuyutsuki wheels the pushcart along.

****

Warhol:

Now, um…

****

Asuka:

Asuka…

****

Warhol:

Oscar, yeah.

****

Asuka:

No, no, Oscar is a boy's name. It's-

****

Warhol: 

That's okay dear, everybody's got their quirks. Okay, first…I-I uh…really like this red thing going on. That's, that's a good thing. It's THERE, it's uh, y'know…it's kind of like…"Hey, I'm red. LOOK at me."

****

Asuka:

So…no need to dismantle mine, then?

****

Warhol:

Of course not…

Asuka beams.

****

Warhol:

No, we'll just uh, ACCENTUATE what's there.

****

Asuka:

(Warily)

"Accentuate?"

****

Warhol:

Yeah, add in some…pinstripes…some teals, or maybe a few logos. Really…uh, just…add that extra bit of…y'know – "oomph."

Asuka facefaults and stops in her tracks. Andy continues walking.

****

Warhol:

Rei…

Rei is beside him without a word. Andy stops in front of Unit Zero. He pauses a second, looking at it.

****

Warhol:

I like the blue…

****

Rei:

Blue's nice.

****

Warhol:

…and the cyclops-thing going on here…

****

Rei:

One eye is good.

****

Warhol:

(To Ritsuko)

Leave it.

****

Rei:

(Responds with a barely perceptible smile)

Thanks, Andy.

****

Warhol:

Oh, it-it's nothing. I mean, I suppose I owe you for last time.

FLASHBACK – EXT. RAPTOR PEN. DAY.

Rei and Andy stand in a jungle clearing. Behind them is the Raptor cage, its bars bent and broken. Animal footprints lead off into the surrounding jungle.

****

Rei:

This does not bode well.

****

Warhol:

Yeah...

Robert Muldoon comes running in from offscreen. He crouches and examines the tracks.

****

Muldoon:

Power shutdown must've turned off all the fences…even the RAPTOR fences-

A Raptor pounces on him from behind. Rei and Andy stand, unperturbed as the dinosaur mauls the game warden.

****

Warhol:

Well "zoiks", Rei, what'll we do now?

A moment of silence. Well…as silent as it can be with someone being torn to shreds by a pre-historic carnivore right beside you.

****

Rei:

Want to head back to Renaissance-era France?

****

Warhol:

(Considers)

…Spain.

****

Rei:

Kay.

Rei pulls a small PDA-like device from her pocket, punches some buttons, and produces a wormhole directly to the duos' left. They exit through it.

INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER – RESUMING.

****

Ritsuko:

So then…a total overhaul of Unit One, "accentuate" Unit Two, and leave Unit Zero the hell alone?

****

Warhol:

That's perfect, dear. Gendo, you've got uh, SUCH…uh, good help here…really comforting and all…

****

Gendo (v.o):

Thank you for your time, Mr. Warhol.

****

Warhol:

Oh no, thank YOU.

****

Gendo (v.o):

Fuyutsuki, gather the engineers and get to work on this stuff.

****

Fuyutsuki:

Yes, sir.

Fuyutsuki runs off, forgetting the pushcart. A beat. He returns and exits again, this time with the improvised communicator.

****

Fuyutsuki:

Sorry sir.

****

Gendo (v.o):

Never again…

They leave.

****

Asuka:

"Oomph?"

****

Shinji:

(Whimpering to himself)

It's my Eva…can't they understand? First that self-inserting author creep and now this…

****

Asuka:

"Oomph?"

****

Shinji:

…I think God hates me.

Shinji exits in duress.

****

Warhol:

Eh…what time is it…

(Checks his watch)

Hmm…Rei…you want like, coffee, or something?

****

Rei:

Tea is fine.

****

Warhol:

Yeah, whatever.

Rei pulls the PDA we saw from before from…wherever it is fictional characters pull stuff from, and proceeds to punch buttons. Another portal opens to their left.

****

Rei:

Do you still get a discount at Denny's?

****

Warhol:

(Contemptuous snort)

God no, I-I got out of that a while back. I'm not their ad whore anymore-

They exit through the portal.

Ritsuko, quietly observing this whole time, glances at Asuka who's still standing with her fists poised to destroy something.

****

Asuka:

"OOMPH?"

Ritsuko wisely ducks into the portal just as it closes.

INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER. CENTRAL DOGMA – LATER.

Misato, Ritsuko, and the bridge crew look at the Evas after several hours of toil by the engineering department. Above them Andy stands next to Gendo and Fuyutsuki. Nobody speaks except…

****

Warhol:

Oh, I love it when a vision comes together.

Onscreen: 

Unit Two is painted with Amoco gas labels and other corporate logos. 

Unit One is not so much Unit One as it is a giant can of Cambel's soup (Cream of Broccoli, if you care). A Prog Knife is secured to its side with what looks like the largest amount of duct tape ever utilized by humankind.

While nothing but a giant, emotionless engine of destruction, Unit Zero appears pretty smug just standing there, with nothing having been done to it.

Shinji and Asuka stare, disbelieving.

****

Shinji:

It's a fucking can…

****

Asuka:

Mein…leibchen…

****

Misato:

Um…Mr. Warhol? No offense to your uh, integrity, but…how do the pilots even fight with them?

Silence.

****

Warhol:

Fight?

****

Misato:

We use these things to defend the city on a regular basis…

More silence.

****

Warhol:

Well…no, I guess this doesn't work then, does it? Hm.

Suddenly, klaxons blare and alarms go off. You know what time it is…

Everyone just stands were they are, contemplating the fact that they've reduced two of the three Evas to works of post-modernistic art, leaving no useful defenses against an Angel attack.

****

Ritsuko:

(To Misato)

Smoke break?

****

Misato:

(Getting out the flask)

You can if you want. I'm just going to get hammered.

****

Asuka:

(Sarcastic)

Oh, why are you giving up so fast? It's not like we're COMPLETELY defenseless! After all, we've still got one fully functioning Eva, a walking billboard, and a big fucking CAN!!! I mean COME ON! Think of the CAN! Such power shouldn't be ignored!!!

They exit. The rest of the bridge crew sways in the winds of indecision for a moment before accepting the fact that they're pretty much screwed. With that revelation, everybody disperses to wind down before they die. Only Andy and the three pilots are left.

****

Asuka:

Rei?

****

Rei:

Yes?

****

Asuka:

Still got that wormhole thingy?

****

Rei:

Always.

****

Asuka:

I'm thinking Marseilles. I hear it's nice this time of year. Any complaints?

No one does. At that, Rei pulls out the PDA and opens another incursion upon all logic and reality.

All four exit through the gateway as, on the main screen, we see the Angel (resembling the head of Jack Palance) reigning fiery death upon Tokyo-3.

---


	3. Enlightenment through Eva/Now if only Br...

****

Author's Note: Geh…want school …to…be…over….eh…. Three weeks to go till break and I managed to get this done in between writing papers for almost every one of my f-ing classes. Yay for me. Ah well, at least I finally got around to watching the rest of the series (via MY spanking-new DVD set ^_^) and End of Eva over at my friend's place. So when all is said and done, what did I think of the series after such a long wait? The first part of this installment is based on the conversation Zach (current friend, former Eva dealer) and I had walking back to my dorm after we finished. 

****

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or any other licenses mentioned below, either anime or alcohol related.

INT. MISATO'S APARTMENT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.

Yossarian sits, staring blankly at the TV, its glow the only source of light in the room. On the table in front of him is a bottle of Absolut Citron (minus one half its contents) and a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice, five of the six bottles already empty. He ignores the fact that the TV is showing nothing but snow, or that the lights are turned off.

Shinji enters. He looks around and approaches hesitantly. Yossarian doesn't blink, let alone acknowledge his presence. 

Shinji shuffles his feet for a few moments before finally breaking the silence.

****

Shinji:

So…I uh, heard that you finally got around to watching End of Eva.

Silence.

****

Shinji:

What did…um….what did you think of it?

More silence. The kind of turgid silence you'd expect after seeing Shinji choking Asuka beside a sea of fucking blood.

Misato enters. She gives Yossarian a quizzical look and moves to turn on the lights. Shinji makes the negative gesture.

****

Misato:

(To Shinji)

What's with him?

****

Shinji:

Just finished watching the series…

****

Misato:

Oh.

****

Shinji:

…and End of Eva…

****

Misato:

Oh….

****

Shinji:

…all in one evening.

****

Misato:

Oh shit.

****

Shinji:

Yeah.

They stand for a moment, silent.

****

Yossarian:

(Monotone)

Shinji?

****

Shinji:

Yeah?

****

Yossarian:

Why did you kill the world?

****

Misato:

Well see, he didn't really-

****

Yossarian:

What's that?! Oh, I'm sorry, I can't hear it when DEAD PEOPLE talk!!! As far as I know, you took a round in the gut and then got liquefied with the rest of the world when that Rei/Angel thingy did whatever the hell it did!!!

Misato stares, aghast. Shinji moves to apologize. His laughter comes out as a nervous titter.

****

Shinji:

Ah…heh-heh…um, sorry, he's just had a rough day is all and is feeling somewhat….confused right now.

****

Yossarian:

Oh no, nononononono – "confused" is when I wonder where I put my wallet last or when I try to take a Geology exam! Right now the more appropriate description of my mental state would be something like "depressed to the point of drinking one's self into stoicism"…

(Finishes the last of the Smirnoff and drops it onto the table, scattering the other ones about)

…and even THAT isn't working! 

Asuka enters. Looks at the raving author and asks the question on everyone's mind-

****

Asuka:

Hey scheisskopf, what the hell's YOUR problem?

****

Yossarian:

Oh, nothing. I just saw everyone I'd grown to care about over twenty-six episodes die in the span of one full-length movie. Y'know, the usual.

****

Asuka:

(To the others)

End of Eva?

****

Misato:

…and the series finale.

****

Asuka:

(Slaps her forehead)

Great.

****

Shinji:

Um…you want to talk about it?

****

Yossarian:

Fine. Lets talk about Unit One hanging like Christ on his cross above Earth's orbit. Lets talk about poor Maya in tears, hugging a fake Ritsuko before she bursts into fluid. Let's talk about seeing Asuka skewered like a pig on a spit by giant fucking spears! Let's have an avid discussion about the fact that EVERYONE IS DEAD!!!

He collapses onto the sofa, both weary from his litany and disoriented from the booze.

Silence creeps in again. He covers his face with his hands. The others take it as a sign to leave.

****

Misato:

Wait…that's not MY Citron, is it?

****

Shinji:

Not now, Misato.

The two of them exit.

Asuka waits a second longer, looking at the forlorn author. She moves to leave-

****

Yossarian:

(Quietly)

Asuka?

****

Asuka:

Yeah?

****

Yossarian:

Just one thing…

****

Asuka:

What?

Yossarian sits up, a faint smile on his face for the first time tonight.

****

Yossarian:

I just want to say that….that fight between you and the Mass Produced Evas was the coolest action sequence that I have ever seen in any anime, ever. Kudos.

Asuka blushes, not knowing how to respond.

****

Asuka:

Really…? Uh…danke.

****

Yossarian:

Bitte.

Asuka hesitates a moment more before finally exiting the room. Yossarian lies back down. He stares at the ceiling for a few seconds before a voice from behind snaps him out of his reverie.

****

Rei (o.s):

Are you feeling alright, Author Yossarian?

He sits up again as Rei enters and joins him on the sofa.

****

Yossarian:

Not really.

****

Rei:

Anything you need?

He considers.

****

Yossarian:

…I could use a hug.

They sit in silence for a moment.

****

Rei:

I fail to see what good that would do.

****

Yossarian:

Could you…humor me?

Rei's mouth forms the impression of a smile.

****

Rei:

Of course.

And she does. They hold each other in their arms for a while.

****

Rei:

What did you think of the movie, then?

****

Yossarian:

Most depressing thing I've seen in a while…

(A pause)

…and I loved every second of it.

FADE TO BLACK.

---

THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN RATED PG-13

Music: "Hummel Gets the Rockets" – The Rock soundtrack

FADE IN:

INT. GEOFRONT. TWILIGHT.

In the distance, we see the pyramid of Nerv HQ. A convoy of military vehicles moves into view, heading towards the facility.

****

Voice Over:

Underneath the metropolis of Tokyo 3, a secret military organization controls the fate of millions...

FADE TO:

INT. AIRCRAFT HANGER.

****

V.O:

…They have the armed forces of a small nation…

FADE TO:

INT. MISSILE SILO.

****

V.O:

…a nuclear arsenal comparable to that of a first world country… 

FADE TO:

INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER. EVA LAUNCH BAY.

The three Evas stand at the ready.

****

V.O:

…and control the three most powerful bio-weapons in the history of mankind, each with the power to destroy the planet.

FADE TO:

EXT. NERV HQ. CHECKPOINT. 

The driver of the lead jeep shows a pass to the gate guards. The guard checks it and goes around to the side to look in through the back window. He nods at –

****

Guard:

Welcome to NERV, Pilot Nagisa

Kaoru nods back, smiling.

****

V.O:

The organization known as Nerv holds the fate of the world in their hands.

FADE TO:

INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER. CENTRAL DOGMA.

Kaoru and a contingent of troops walk onto the bridge. 

****

V.O:

But what they're about to learn…

A technician approaches the group.

****

Technician:

Excuse me, can I see your authorization?

****

V.O:

…is that power…has a price.

****

Soldier:

Here's my authorization.

Kaoru smiles as the soldier pulls a handgun and levels it at the technician's head. 

BANG!!!

CUT TO SCENE – Chaos ensues. Flashes of gunfire as the group subdues the guards on the bridge.

RESUME:

INT. CENTRAL DOGMA.

Bodies line the floor. The remaining crew cowers under the watch of the gunmen. Kaoru steps up onto the nearest console and fires several shots into the air to gain their attention.

****

Kaoru:

Ladies and Gentlemen…welcome to my nightmare.

FADE TO:

INT. MILITARY BASE. DAY.

Commander Ikari enters a conference room, advisors jump out of chairs to get his attention.

****

Gendo:

What's the situation?

****

Misato:

As of approximately twenty hundred hours this evening, Nerv was seized by a renegade contingent of JSDF special forces. 

CUT TO:

INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER.

Kaoru strides down the hall holding his hands behind him, flanked by two heavily armed guards.

****

Fuyutsuki (v.o):

…Their leader is Kaoru Nagisa, former Eva pilot and self-styled leader of the group. 

INT. AIRCRAFT HANGER.

****

Fuyutsuki (v.o):

They currently have access to all levels of the compound, including the airbase…

INT. MISSILE SILO

****

Fuyutsuki (v.o):

…our nuclear stockpiles…

INT. EVA LAUNCH BAY.

Kaoru gazes at Eva Units five through ten of the mass production series as workers prep them for launch.

****

Fuyutsuki (v.o):

…and even the dummy plug system. 

RESUME:

INT. MILITARY BASE.

****

Gendo:

Have they made any demands yet?

CUT TO:

INT. NERV COMMAND CENTER. LILLITH CHAMBER.

Kaoru and the JSDF gaze upon the giant pinned to the cross.

CUT TO:

CLOSE-UP: A briefcase being opened. Inside a small dark fetal creature encased in a glass container.

RESUME:

INT. MILITARY BASE.

****

Fuyutsuki:

(Pause)

They want Adam.

****

Gendo:

Get me the children.

HOLLYWOOD PICTURES PRESENTS

Music: "Diamond" - Klint

CUT TO:

INT. AIR FORCE BASE. HANGER. DAY.

A sparring match between several off-duty pilots. Misato and Fuyutsuki watch as one pilot gets knocked to the floor. Pan over and we see Rei, impassive as always, dusting her hands. 

****

Misato (v.o):

Pilot of Unit One and First Child, Rei Ayanami…

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT. MORNING.

Fuyutsuki and Misato knock on the door. It's opened moments later by Asuka, obviously not expecting visitors, as she's clothed in a tank top and sweatpants. Eating a piece of toast, she stops in mid-bite at the sight of the NERV logo on their uniforms.

****

Misato (v.o):

Pilot of Unit Two and Second Child, Asuka Langley Sohryu..

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK. DAY.

Shinji sits on a bench while feeding Pen-Pen. Misato and Fuyutsuki enter and sit on either side of him. Shinji does a double take and attempts to flee, tripping over Pen-Pen's leash. Misato helps him up and sits him down forcefully on the bench.

****

Misato (v.o):

Pilot of Unit one and Third child, Shinji Ikari…

CUT TO:

EXT. AIR FORCE BASE. DAY.

****

Rei:

Next.

Misato and Fuyutsuki exchange wary glances.

****

Fuyutsuki:

You…talk to her.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT. DAY.

Asuka bolts back into the apartment. 

****

Asuka: (o.s):

Oh no! No way in hell am I going back!

Sighing, Fuyutsuki catches the door before it closes, as Misato runs into the apartment after her. 

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK. DAY.

****

Shinji:

You want to tell me what this is all about?

****

Fuyutsuki:

Pilot Ikari, you've all been selected for a mission of the utmost importance.

****

Shinji:

And what's that?

****

Fuyutsuki:

To save the world.

Shinji laughs hysterically.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM.

The three children sit, listening to Misato.

****

Misato:

Listen up. You'll be trained in combat tactics, firearms, hostage negotiation, counter-terrorism measures, and other tests conducive to the mission you're about to undertake. But first…a clinical evaluation.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM.

A small room with padded walls, a chair, and a desk. Shinji sits in the chair, facing a psychiatrist behind the desk.

****

Shinji:

Okay, I'd have to say that this is the most uncomfortable room I've ever been in.

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM.

Same setup, only Asuka now sits where Shinji was. She is fiddling with a Rubix-cube. Within a matter of seconds, she solves it and slams it down on the desk.

****

Asuka:

Done. You want to compare degrees? I graduated from Heidelberg University with a 4.6 accume, a B.A. in Applied Physics, AND landed a position as an Eva pilot before I could even drive. You, meanwhile, are stuck performing remedial inquisitions that any intern who knows shorthand could deal with. Kinda puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM.

Same as before. Rei now sits in the chair as the psychiatrist holds up inkblot cards.

****

Rei:

A Rorschach test.

****

Shrink:

Well, yes….but what do you SEE in it?

****

Rei:

I see a Rorschach test.

****

Shrink:

LOOK at the picture. What does it remind you of?

****

Rei:

It reminds me….of…

(Pause)

a Rorschach test?

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM.

****

Shinji:

I loved my momma. I'd never diss her or anything.

****

Shrink:

I'm not dissing your momma, Mr. Ikari.

****

Shinji:

I don't like it when people talk trash about my momma.

****

Shrink:

I didn't bring up your momma, Mr. Ikari, you did.

****

Shinji:

I'd never do anything like that to my momma.

****

Shrink:

I didn't say that you did, Mr. Ikari.

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM.

****

Shrink:

If you could fight anyone, who would it be?

****

Rei:

The redhead.

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM.

****

Shinji:

My dad.

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM.

Points at the psychiatrist.

****

Asuka:

You.

CUT TO:

INT. COMMANDER IKARI'S OFFICE. 

The psychologist slams a stack of reports down on the Commander's desk looking more than a little frazzled.

****

Gendo:

Well?

****

Shrink:

They're rude, smug, apathetic, and the most mentally unstable pre-teens I've ever had the misfortune to meet…

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM. 

Shinji sinks out of the chair, whimpering.

****

Shrink:

The boy is a walking oedipal complex…

CUT TO:

EXT. FIRING RANGE.

Asuka practices with throwing knives. Shinji stands by, cringing, as each one hits with a resounding THWAP in the target dummy's crotch.

****

Shrink:

…The red head has an unhealthy fascination with pointed objects…

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM.

The psychiatrist aims and tosses a pen at Rei. It hits her square in the forehead and bounces off. She doesn't blink, much less move at all.

****

Shrink (v.o):

…and I can't even tell if the blue-haired girl is alive half the time.

****

Rei:

What are you doing?

****

Shrink:

Um…nothing.

RESUME:

INT. IKARI'S OFFICE.

****

Gendo:

(sighs)

I just need to know if they'll survive the mission.

A pause.

****

Shrink:

Frankly, I'm surprised that they survived the tests.

CLOSE UP:

A MANILLA FOLDER WITH THE NAMES OF THE THREE CHILDREN ON IT.

A large stamp comes down with a deafening thud, leaving: "FAILED" in big, red letters.

A second stamp comes down on top of this one. "NERV APPROVED" is left in block lettering. 

Music: "Rock House Jail" – The Rock soundtrack

A FILM BY MICHAEL BAY

EXT. MILITARY BASE. DAWN.

Rei, Asuka, and Shinji watch as fighter jets scream by overhead 

****

V.O:

Now, three young pilots…

CUT TO:

INT. HELICOPTER. 

The children gear up, strapping on ammo belts and combat fatigues.

****

V.O:

…must stop a madman…

CUT TO:

INT. GEOFRONT. DAWN.

Snipers run into position. Kaoru surveys the horizon through binoculars.

****

V.O:

…from perpetuating Armageddon.

CUT TO:

INT. MISSILE SILO. CONTROL ROOM.

Several technicians work at terminals, the screens flash red warnings of "ARMED".

****

Kaoru (v.o):

There are currently over a hundred guided nuclear warheads under my control, each aimed at the heart of every major city within the Japanese island chain… 

CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE. DAY.

A wave of transport choppers descends on the area.

****

Kaoru:

…If I do not receive the Adam sample by the deadline given, I launch. Refuse to hand over the sample and I launch…

CUT TO:

INT. MILITARY BASE. BRIEFING ROOM.

Kaoru's face appears on the communications screen. Everyone watches, silent.

****

Kaoru (v.o):

If any attempt is made to breach this compound, I launch. Do NOT presume that you are in a position to negotiate. You now have thirty-six hours left.

The screen cuts to static. 

CUT TO:

EXT. HELICOPTER. NIGHT.

Armed troops rappel to the ground, fanning out as they land.

CUT TO:

INT. AQUEDUCT.

Asuka, Rei, Shinji and several others in full combat gear rise up from the dark water, automatic weapons ready. They scan the area. 

****

Fuyutsuki (v.o):

Your mission is to stop the JSDF through any means necessary, either by disabling their capability for a launch or through termination of the group itself.

They remove their re-breather masks. 

Close up on Shinji.

****

Shinji (v.o):

What about the Evas?

CUT TO:

INT. EVA LAUNCH BAY.

Asuka watches as flood lights come up on Unit Two.

****

Fuyutsuki (v.o):

Like I said…."any means necessary".

****

Asuka:

Showtime.

Music: "Hey Man, Nice Shot" – Filter

FROM THE DIRECTOR OF "THE ROCK"

CUT TO SCENE:

EXT. TOKYO-3. – A Nerv VTOL craft jinks left as several JSDF jets unleash a volley of rockets.

INT. AQUEDUCT – Shinji pulls Rei underwater as a huge fireball quickly engulfs the tunnel.

INT. EVA LAUNCH BAY. – Unit Two rips free of its restraints and puts its fist through a wall, taking out several JSDF troops firing wildly.

AND THE PRODUCER OF "CRIMSON TIDE" AND "BLACK HAWK DOWN"

EXT. GEOFRONT. NIGHT. – Unit Two whirls around, impaling Units Five and Seven on the spear it's brandishing.

INT. CENTRAL DOGMA. – Fires blaze in the background. Rei takes aim with her M4 at Kaoru. From behind him, the wall explodes as Units Five and Six step through, roaring.

CUT TO:

INT. COMMAND CENTER.

Two guards hold Asuka captive. Kaoru strikes her across the face. She glares at him, refusing to be fazed.

****

Kaoru (v.o):

Down here, my word is law!

CUT TO SCENE:

EXT. TOKYO-3. DAY. – Unit Nine chokes Unit Zero from behind. Unit Zero fumbles on the ground for a moment before picking up a nearby Spas-12 shotgun. Without looking, it points the gun over its shoulder and pulls the trigger right in Unit Nine's face. 

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE. NIGHT. – Unit One tears like heck across the landscape, plowing through several gun emplacements. The night lights up with explosions.

SHINJI IKARI

CLOSE UP:

Shinji whirls around to face the camera, drawing a bead on his target with his rifle.

CUT TO SCENE:

INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT. - Hanging from an elevator cable, Shinji catches Asuka's hand as she falls towards him.

REI AYANAMI

CLOSE UP:

Rei removes a pair of nightvision goggles, looking up.

CUT TO SCENE: 

Slow motion shot of Rei with a Robar sniper rifle. She ejects the spent round, the brass casing flying into the air as bullets strike the wall adjacent to her.

ASUKA LANGLEY SOHRYU

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP:

Asuka wipes blood from the corner of her mouth, smirking.

CUT TO SCENE:

A guard holds a gun to Asuka's head. She spins around, grabbing the pistol and elbowing him in the face.

AND KAORU NAGISA

INT. MISSILE SILO.

The silo is lit by flashing red emergency lights. A bloodied Kaoru points a gun at Rei.

****

Rei:

You plan on fighting the whole world?!

****

Kaoru:

What's wrong with that?

THIS SUMMER

CUT TO SCENE:

INT. LABORATORY. – Shinji dives over a table, firing his pistol as the glass partition behind him shatters from a hail of gunfire.

GET READY 

EXT. OPEN FIELD. NIGHT. – Asuka throws a LAW launcher to her shoulder and fires a rocket at an attack helicopter as it swings its searchlight towards her.

INT. HANGER. NIGHT. – Rei and Asuka race towards the exit as an Abrams tank comes crashing through the far wall. 

FOR THE SIEGE

INT. MILITARY COMMAND CENTER. – Misato shouts orders into a headset as the monitor lights up with warnings of "MISSILE LAUNCH DETECTED".

CUT TO:

INT. MISSILE SILO.

Kaoru holds a communicator. He speaks one word into it –

****

Kaoru:

Fire.

CUT TO SCENE:

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE. NIGHT. – A missile streaks out of a hidden silo. Unit One races towards it, jumping to try and catch it mid-flight.

****

Shinji (v.o):

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

EXT. GEOFRONT. NIGHT. – P.O.V OF EVA UNIT EIGHT – Unit Eight turns around just in time to see Unit Two throwing its Prog knife. The camera cuts away just before it hits.

CUT TO WHITE

EVANGELION: INCURSION

IN THEATRES EVERYWHERE

JULY 2003


	4. "Obi-Wan has taught you well"/God's cool...

****

Author's Note: Fourth Chapter's finally up, despite numerous interruptions like the hunt for gainful summer employment (one that ended in fruition ^_^) and general summer lounging (i.e, my friends and I sitting in one of our living rooms, watching TV and asking "So what do you wanna do?" every so often). That said, this may be the last update for quite awhile (if ever again) as I've decided to move on to other creative ventures such as writing the full script of "Evangelion: Incursion" after expressed interest from several parties. Rest assured if anything else resembling humor and Evangelion does seep from my head again, chances are it'll end up here. Bye for now and thanks for reading!

****

Disclaimer: As much as I wish, I don't own Evangelion, it's characters, or anything related to it…or anything Star Wars-related, for that matter.

The large steel doors of the room parted, letting in a thin shaft of light punctuated only by the silhouette of the figure standing on the other side. The lone adventurer entered cautiously, scanning the area before him as the doors behind slid shut with an audible _whoosh_.

_Funny, _Shinji Ikari thought as he walked further into the room. _You'd think that a "freezing chamber" wouldn't be so damned hot._

Shinji tugged at the collar of his tunic unconsciously, attempting to cool himself in any way despite the humid environment he now found himself in. His choice of clothing wasn't helping any, either. The lightweight beige-colored garments he wore were more suited to Tatooine's atmosphere, where the heat came from the sun and not from the very air around him.

He'd stumbled upon one of Bespin's many carbon-freezing chambers, used for facilitating the transport of its refined chemicals before their shipment throughout the system. Its ceiling showed a labyrinth of cables snaking their way down the walls and winding to the center of the chamber where the floor was elevated to accompany the carbon-freezing unit itself, which hissed with residual coolant. Reddish-orange lighting emanated from the grated floor, casting a surreal glow to the area and throwing distorted shadows everywhere. Such an effect made it seem as though the shadows themselves were moving, dancing across the walls and ceiling, shimmering in the air, and walking towards him, footsteps echoing throughout the chamber-

__

Wait a minute…

She seemed to flow from the darkness, stepping through the steam rising from the other side of the room and walking along the catwalk surrounding the cylindrical hole in the center. Her appearance screamed trouble. She wore an all black flight suit that may have been once used by a TIE fighter pilot along with a matching vest. That, and the smug look on her face as she produced a lightsaber from her belt told Shinji that she probably intended to do him a good spot of harm.

Shinji approached her, moving up onto the raised center of the room, eyeing the newcomer while belying the fact that he was as startled as he was nervous at her entrance. With practiced calm, he pushed these feelings away (unbecoming for a Jedi, as they were) along with the twinges of fear now coursing through him, noting that it took more effort than usual. Understandable, considering that the girl standing before him was undoubtedly a Sith.

He casually unhooked his own lightsaber, while ever so slightly moving around the other side of the catwalk, keeping the carbon freezing pit between the two of them. 

"Another of Desann's mercenaries, I presume?" Shinji spoke, buying time to ready himself.

"You could only hope to be so lucky," she said, smiling. "I come here of my own volition. You've made quite a name for yourself recently, Ikari. With that business on Nar Shada, tracking you down wasn't hard at all."

As she came closer, Shinji could see she was about his age, her face youthful and seemingly innocent, a notion dispelled by her deep blue eyes, piercing in their gaze and holding an almost predatory edge. Despite that, she was actually rather pretty.

__

Too bad I have to kill her, Shinji thought, sighing inwardly. _I always was partial to redheads._

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I've better things to do than duel some upstart trainee looking to make a name for themselves. You want to prove yourself? Find another Jedi. As for now, step out of my way." He intoned these words, sounding bolder than he actually felt. _She's certainly no upstart and definitely no trainee. Those eyes…they're killer's eyes._

The girl ignored his command; stopping to face him and planting her feet in what Shinji unconsciously registered as a ready stance.

His voice firm, Shinji said simply: "Move."

Her eyes narrowed.

"Don't make me kill you." He said.

At this, she smiled and depressed the activation switch for her lightsaber; an arc of crimson immediately springing from the silver and black hilt, casting a reddish glow and humming with energy.

_So be it._ Shinji thought, bringing his own saber to the ready stance and extending a blade of vibrant green into the darkness, crackling from the ozone around it.

Music: "Absurd (Whitewash remix)" – Fluke

"I never did catch your name," he added, bracing himself for what was coming.

"Sohyru…" The girl said, holding the saber in front of her…

…and extending a second blade of red light from the other end of the hilt, creating a deadly staff with blazing red death on either end.

"…Darth Sohyru."

__

Oh Fuck, thought Shinji.

The only thing he had time to do as she attacked.

She was airborne before Shinji knew to look up. When he did, it was only through trained reflexes that he was able to feint out of the way as Sohyru came down, swinging her lightsaber in a downward arc meant to split him down the middle. Shinji blocked her attack and countered with a strike of his own, aimed at her back, one that she deflected without even turning around. 

The two of them spun away, putting distance between them and continuing to circle one another. The respite was short-lived as Sohyru rushed Shinji, attempting to run him through with a well-placed thrust, one countered by several parries from the Jedi. He attacked with several swings of his own and succeeded in pushing her back towards the edge of the platform.

__

Watch that first step, Shinji thought wryly as he backed the female fighter towards the lip of the platform, fully expecting her to take a nasty stumble over the edge.

But as plans are wont to do, this one didn't go precisely as Ikari envisioned it. Sohyru didn't so much as "stumble over the edge" as she did "flip over his head and attack from behind".

__

Nimble little minx… Shinji thought, blocking her next few attacks in which she utilized both ends of her lightsaber in a relentless assault which put him on the defensive. It wasn't long before Shinji found himself standing on the edge…

…of the carbon freezing chamber, that is.

Too late, Shinji realized where he was, as Sohryu ducked his next attack, shifting her saber to her left hand and thrusting her right hand towards Shinji, fingers spread. A sudden, unseen force knocked the wind out of him, pushing him back and down into the recess that marked the chamber's interior.

With a simple wave, the Sith lord activated the control panel across the room, flipping the switch to flash-freeze the Jedi within it. Turning back to the pit, Sohyru failed to notice a blur of motion escaping from below and into the mass of cables above. Smirking at the apparent fate of her opponent, she also failed to realize a pair of boots swinging down from the ceiling – until they caught her full in the face, that is.

Shinji dropped down from above and activated his lightsaber as he charged Sohyru. Stumbling from the blow, she spat in a foreign tongue a litany of curses directed towards Shinji and any relatives he might have while moving to block his renewed attack. The block was followed up by a parry, the parry by a thrust, and the thrust by a feint, all of which followed the other in a seemingly effortless motion as the two combatants fought, the whole spectacle reminiscent of a ballet in its fluidity. 

Shinji awoke with a start, sitting bolt upright from his makeshift bed on the floor. Looking around, his heart slowed as he took in his current surroundings. Being that the living room in Misato's apartment was definitely _not _the carbon-freezing chamber from "Empire", the young pilot relaxed somewhat, exhaling in relief. A quick glance at the wall clock showed it to be two-thirty in the morning. 

Sitting in the dark with only his thoughts to accompany him, Shinji felt the last traces of sleep ebbing away. 

"Weird dream," Shinji mumbled, rubbing his eyes and then sighing as he realized that he wouldn't be falling asleep anytime soon. 

__

I guess seeing Asuka wielding dark force powers would be enough to keep anyone up. He thought, smirking.

Taking care not to make too much noise (as the prospect of facing a rudely woken Asuka or Misato didn't appeal to him in the least), Shinji crept into the adjacent study where the computer sat. Thumbing the "On" switch for the tower and monitor, he sat gingerly in the office chair, doing his best to minimize the resulting _squeaks_ from wheels badly in need of WD-40.

_I know it's a school night, _Shinji thought, as he watched the Windows startup screen give way to the desktop. 

…_and yes, I'm supposed to be cooking breakfast tomorrow…_ he continued responding to the chiding voice of reason as he double clicked on the "Jedi Knight II – Jedi Outcast" icon. A few more clicks and Shinji sat watching as the bar on the "Loading" screen filled up.

_…but I'm not going to be getting any sleep if I don't get past these guys._

Onscreen, Shinji's virtual avatar entered a large chamber cluttered by numerous levels of catwalks. He watched as two Dark Jedi de-cloaked and jumped down to meet him, lightsabers at the ready.

"Come get some," the third child whispered, absently wondering how much caffeine he'd need tomorrow to compensate for only three hours' sleep…

---

INT. DINER. NIGHT. 

A run-of-the-mill diner frequented in the morning by office monkeys for coffee and in the evening by truckers for dinner. The place is empty, save for the lone figure of Asuka Sohryu dressed casually in a long-sleeved black shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans, sitting at the counter and eating a slice of pie. In panning up to her face, we catch a glimpse of a polished .45 pistol lying next to her plate and can't help but notice that the mirror running the length of the wall on the opposite side of the counter is cracked from several bullet holes.

Asuka sits, eating quietly, and after a moment starts up conversation with seemingly no one.

****

Asuka:

Pie. The single greatest culinary creation ever wrought by human hands. ESPECIALLY cherry pie. I mean, say what you will about apple, but cherry has serious roots in European culture. In the way of pie, at least. Mmm-mm….Did you know cherries, or sweet cherries, have ancestors in most of the modern cultivated varieties of cherry? For example, the sweet, or dessert cherry and the sour, or pie, cherry, are in fact, both regarded as natives of central and southern Europe, if not also of Great Britain, where both are naturalized.

Behind the counter we see the grill cook bound and gagged, surrounded by gasoline cans, and lying on his back in a puddle of gas. He appears more confused by his current predicament than scared. 

Asuka contemplates the next bite of pie as she continues.

****

Asuka: 

According to the Roman writer Pliny the Elder, the sour cherry tree was actually brought to Italy from Cerasus (what is now Giresun, Turkey), by the Roman general Lucullus to grace his victory in 73 b.c.e over Mithridates the fourth, king of Pontus.

She leansover the counter to look at the hostage. 

****

Asuka:

Didn't know that, did ya? 

(Finishing the pie) Well…you learn something new everyday.

Rei, Asuka's co-hort, enters from the back of the store, clutching all manner of stolen goods (wads of crinkled bills, coffee filters, cans of baking supplies, etc.). Similarly dressed as Asuka, Rei wears a short-sleeved shirt and jeans. She pauses at the counter, dumping the load beside Asuka and attempting to fit all of it into her coat lying open nearby. 

Not finding the cook such a good conversationalist, Asuka turns her tirade towards Rei.

****

Asuka: 

What are you so happy about?

****

Rei:

Check out the pilferings. We haven't had this good a haul in a while.

****

Asuka: 

Are you kidding me? This is a dammed diner; aside from copious amounts of sugar packets and a grand total of…

(counts the mess of change beside her)

…fourteen dollars from the register, how the hell is this hole worth our trouble?

Rei absently kicks at one of the many gasoline cans lying about the floor.

****

Rei:

Umm…easy target for God's wrath?

Both of them are now up and moving, finishing their business here. Rei stuffs napkins, sugar packets, and creamers into the already overflowing coat, which is now serving as a makeshift satchel.

****

Asuka:

Granted. But you do realize there's more to crime than mindless destruction, right? The destruction serves a purpose and all, but it's not like, a major focal point or anything-

****

Rei: 

So you're saying that having a little fun isn't allowed when involved in sprees such as these?

****

Asuka:

I'm not saying that. After all, a little bit of chaos is expected and welcomed in this line of work, but when you turn it into a mission unto itself, things tend to get - to put it mildly – a little fucked. Remember the hotel two months ago? What we have now is just a simple job; in and out. So there's no need for this "holy crusade" bullshit of yours.

****

Rei:

We're not talking about the deli now, are we?

****

Asuka:

What? No! No, this is not the point of our being here, and that's precisely my point! This little stop is inconsequential to our purpose! If I had my way, we wouldn't even have stopped for your goddamn coffee fix in the first place—

Moving to the door, Asuka trips on one of the ubiquitous gasoline cans lying about.

****

Asuka:

—and what the FUCK is with all the gasoline!? Does—

Rei holds up one of the cans.

****

Rei:

Little help?

Rei doesn't so much as flinch as Asuka complies by shooting off the nozzle of the can with her .45. Grabbing the bag of loot, Rei quickly inverts the can and walks towards the door, leaving a trail of gasoline and sugar packets behind her. 

The cook, meanwhile, has propped himself up on the counter-top and is attempting to cut his bonds with a plastic butter knife, to little avail. 

Asuka follows Rei as she leaves.

****

Asuka:

Does every place we hit have to be consumed by…not hellfire… what did you call it?

****

Rei:

"God's burning discomfort".

****

Asuka:

…what the hell does that even mean…? 

(To the Cook)

Thanks for the pie.

She exits.

The cook ignores Asuka as his struggle with the makeshift handcuffs intensifies to the point where he is now lashing around the counter-top, only to eventually throw himself too hard in one direction and land with an audible thud on the floor. 

EXT. DINER PARKING LOT. NIGHT.

Asuka and Rei walk out of the diner, a line of shimmering gas trailing behind them from the upended can Rei is holding.

****

Asuka:

You know what you're doing? You're turning this into a holy crusade! Goddamnit! I thought we would be professional this time! No bullshit, no personal quests, just follow the instructions Salvatore gives us and for once end a job WITHOUT HAVING OUR EMPLOYER PLACE A BOUNTY ON OUR HEADS WHEN ITS FINISHED!!

****

Rei:

I'm not saying our employer isn't top priority, but secondary goals can be worked in as well.

Rei drops the now empty can and pulls a cigarette from the bundle of goods slung over her shoulder. She lights up and tosses the lit match behind her. We see the trail of gasoline behind them ignite and run its course back to the diner. Neither of them spares it a glance. 

****

Rei: 

I mean, diamond heists come along every other day, fiery retribution doesn't rear its head nearly so often as I'd like.

****

Asuka:

Retribution for what? It's a fucking truck stop. The worst they've ever done is probably used expired mayo on the next day's turkey subs. 

****

Rei:

"Let sinners be consumed from the Earth and let the wicked be no more."…Psalms 104:35.

****

Asuka:

(Shaking her head)

I don't get why everything has to be a holy crusade with you.

By now they have reached their car (a beat-up, '86 Cutlass Supreme) and are getting inside; with Asuka on the driver's side.

The camera now shows the two girls and the car. While we can't see the diner, we do hear the distinct crackling of flames and notice that the night is brightened faintly by an orange light off-screen. 

****

Rei:

Why are you throwing the word "Crusade" around? What problems do you have with a gal dishing out the Lord's justice with a side of corn?

****

Asuka: 

…corn….? N-Nothing! It's just that you use it as an excuse for random arson!

While Asuka gets inside the car after the last statement, Rei remains standing outside, looking aghast at her companion. Asuka, realizing she's just touched off a live wire, slaps her forehead.

Meanwhile, the light from the burning diner is getting brighter, illuminating the car and its passengers. The crackling of flames and shattering of glass can also be heard clearly in the background. Regardless, the camera remains centered on the two girls and we see nothing. Likewise, they still don't seem to notice. Or care.

****

Rei:

What the fuck are you talking about…?

****

Asuka:

Will you get in?

****

Rei:

…Arson is a perfectly acceptable means of dealing with heathens and cleansing afflicted commercial venues of our Lord's trash.

Asuka has slumped against the steering wheel, already weary of the whole debate.

****

Asuka:

Can. We. Just. GO. Already?

****

Rei:

(A pause)

I think an apology is in order.

At this, the young red-head loses it, steps out of the car and starts shouting at her put-off compatriot from the opposite side.

****

Asuka:

Oh, you think? Well, you want to know what I think?! I think you're –

Asuka is cut off by a deafening explosion that lights the night briefly, followed by a blast of wind that flutters both of their clothing and hair. The car windshield even flexes a bit. 

Her words drowned out by the blast, Asuka continues shouting regardless. Rei stands still, fuming. It's obvious by now that not much fazes these two.

As the noise dissipates, Asuka's voice can be heard again. 

****

Asuka:

-your children, and your children's children!!! Now quit fucking around and GET IN THE CAR!

After a moment Rei, still acting indignant, gets in reluctantly.

****

Rei:

I am NOT a pyro.

****

Asuka:

Are.

****

Rei:

Not.

****

Asuka:

Are.

****

Rei:

Not.

****

Asuka:

(A pause)

Are.

****

Rei:

(Another pause)

Not.

****

Asuka:

Settle down, alright? I didn't mean anything by it.

****

Rei:

I'm…calm.

****

Asuka:

Just CHILL…alright?

****

Rei:

I'm the…tranquil light of the universe.

Ignoring her seething passenger, Asuka shoves a tape into the dashboard player.

****

Asuka:

(Sighing)

Why do I have a feeling this weekend is gonna be unnecessarily long?

Music: "Little Green Bag" – The George Baker Selection 

Putting the car into gear, Asuka cranks up the music as they speed out of the brightly-lit parking lot and into the night. As the music picks up, the cook, engulfed in flames, runs on-screen. He tries to stop, drop, and roll, but with little effect. He then gets up and just flails around some more, eventually running headlong into a lamppost, knocking himself unconscious.

FADE TO BLACK.

---


End file.
